| (pas de sujets) |
[mai. 11e, 2004|06:09 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| |  sad | ] |
I just don't even know what to say. |
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| Things I've consumed in the past 36 hours. |
[mai. 9e, 2004|05:55 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| |  full | ] |
Three hot dogs.
Half of a bag of chips (the big bags).
Three Oreos.
Two caramel frapuccinos.
Three plates of pesto pasta.
Two salads.
Three helpings of prosciutto and melon.
Two stuffed eggplants.
Two slices of cake.
Three chocolate roses.
Three strawberries (to complement the chocolate roses.)
One bowl of oatmeal (with help from friends).
Three cups of coffee.
Two cups of orange juice.
Two cans of Mountain Dew.
One egg.
One piece of toast.
One plate of Lyonnaise Potatoes.
Three crepe-style hot-cakes.
Three sausage links.
One watermelon lollipop with chile.
One packet of chile powder.
What's for dinner?
Ribs at Buffalo Blues.
Yes. |
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| Oh fuck yes |
[mai. 9e, 2004|05:28 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| |  ditzy | ] |
| [ | On écoute |
| | All for You-- Sister Hazel | ] |
I spent an unreal amount of money today at the following stores:
Express (well, of course, it's me)
American Eagle
J Crew
An unreal amount of money.
And then I walked along the waterfront with my American Eagle bag drinking a Caramel Frapuccino. WHo the hell am I? Granted, I do feel like a terrible human being, but then I wrote a really motherfuckingly good history paper in 45 minutes and felt a lot better.
Ok. Enough of my shallow rambling about being shallow. Fuck yes for new clothes. |
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| Plagiarism |
[mai. 3e, 2004|11:19 pm] |
Yes, this is blatant LJ plagiarism. But I really like it. So here goes.
- Naive Rabbit makes himself a cozy little hole.
- Naive Rabbit leaves to get some food.
- In the meantime, Mean Goat occupies the cozy little hole.
- Naive Rabbit wants his hole back.
- Mean Goat says no, go the fuck away.
- Malicious Ant comes along and says, I'll get that bastard.
- Malicious Ant bites Mean Goat in the leg.
- Mean Goat goes "Oh! Oh! Oh!" in the non-orgasmic fashion.
- Naive Rabbit and Malicious Ant liberate the cozy little hole.
- ...and enjoy years of great sex.
Except replace "Naive Rabbit" with Britain and "Malicious Ant" with the United States and "Mean Goat" with Iraq and "cozy little hole" with Kuwait and it suddently all makes sense.
Sneaky bastards
Now I'm not quite sure if I agree with this story's version of events, in life. But I like the parable, it's funny. And I've officially updated four times today. And had one really silly conversation with the G. Lover, who must think I'm on crack. Bon soir. |
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| (pas de sujets) |
[mai. 3e, 2004|08:56 pm] |
Yes, yes, I update way too much.
I MISS SMOKEY JOE'S CAFE.
The end. |
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| Oh man, funny what life does to you. |
[mai. 3e, 2004|08:31 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| |  drained | ] |
So I'm not going to PGSIS. I think it's a good decision, I think I'm gonna need chill time, I think I'm gonna need family time, and I think I'm not tryin' to burn myself out this summer... I know I'm gonna regret some of this, that's a given, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm making the right decision.
I spent all day packing, and it was intense. Just looking at all kinds of old stuff... like middle school notes, a letter I wrote to Matt without the slightest intention of sending it... pictures galore... Wayside Story books... all kinds of fun things. It made me really really sad, as usual, but it's supposed to. And I'll be ok. I really will.
The one thing I really like about my decision concerning this summer is the fact that it's mine and mine alone. I listened to what everyone had to say, of course, but I made the final choice.
It was also really cool to hang out with Matt today. It made me fully aware of the person that I am now versus the person I was a year ago. I'm so proud of my growth, and I'm a much more self-reliant, self-respecting individual than I was then. I love that. And it sounds really selfish, and braggish, but fuck you my journal. It made me happy. And it made me really happy to see him, too. Despite all the stuff that's gone on between us, and in our lives individually, he's still a really good kid, and I enjoy his friendship.
Yay for full cycles. Like moving out of the house. And decisions. And old friends.
Eliza, where are you? Call me!
Love you all. And off to watch more 7th Heaven. |
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| (pas de sujets) |
[avr. 27e, 2004|04:20 pm] |
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They're all just fucking ridiculous. That's what it is. |
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| "You can never go home again..." |
[avr. 23e, 2004|07:38 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| | sad | ] |
I don't even know what to do with myself. It's been so long since I've felt this way and I don't know how to react.
I'm sitting alone in my house, it's dark both inside and out, and no one's home. I just got dropped off by my dad, who, circumstances pending, I may not see until August... four months from now. As he dropped me off, he mentioned something about it being the last time he's ever going to drop me off in this house. And it's the last time he'll ever be in Pittsburgh with circumstances the way they are now. I don't know, I don't know, I'm freaking out, I hate change... I'm crying like I haven't cried in over two months, and I can't control it. This is it, there's no more waiting until tomorrow to ease it, there's no doing what I always do of creating little bits of hope out there to keep myself going. It's all coming. Next time he comes (which is oh so far from now... and it's breaking my heart) everything will be so different. I hate this.
I made such a conscious effort to be nice to him, and I still couldn't do it. Why am I mean to him? Why can't I just be the way I am when I'm there? Why am I so out of place with him here? Why is our conversation so reduced, why am I so intolerant? Why can't I just be a good person?
I can't deal with all these changes, I don't know what to do. People I love so much leaving for college. People I love so much.... just being different. People I love so much... changing, and leaving in general, and scaring me, and I don't know what to do. I know it's inevitable, I know I'm being irrational... I just... I'm hurting right now. I've been this way for the past couple of days, just weird and detached and... I can't figure it out.
Rehearsal pissed me off. B pissed me off a lot, and the fact that he made me so mad made me mad. I hate how people react so differently to him, how some blow it off while others are living and dying with every word... the happy medium should be obtained, but still... I have a whole bunch of frustrations that I'm sick of thinking about, but I'm just mad.
I ate way too much today, and I really wanna throw up. I feel so gross, not made much better by the incessant bawling, which is pissing me off in and of itself. I don't know. Fuck.
This has gone on too long, just babbling. So I'ma go. This didn't turn out the way I wanted to at all. Basically, I'm sad about my dad. Really sad. I'm mad at myself for a variety of reasons. I hate change. |
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| Mornin' |
[mar. 28e, 2004|12:31 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| |  awake | ] |
Waking up this morning was genuinely great. It was sunny, and since I forgot to cover my little window last night, I woke up earlier than I would have expected. But I sat in bed, I pulled open the blinds, and then I read Breakfast at Tiffany's. I took a break from my reading to make some tea and a bagel, and then I went out on my roof in my scruffy PJs and finished my book. Damn, I love nice weather.
I wish I had gone to West Virginia. My morning would have been different, but it would have been really nice. It's one of those situations where I kind of think work should be sacrificed in the pursuit of better things. Bleh. Sad indeed. It's like "Old Eva" from the crazed beginning of the year, stressing about work like crazy. I hate that me, I hate that I can be overcome by this crazy frenzied need to get stuff accomplished. And that I forget that it's not what actually matters. So am now resolved to stop the madness, apologize to the masses, and ask for a friendly reminder should this resolve fail.
So yeah, that's why my morning was nice. Because I said fuck work. And maybe I said it too late, but still. I'll get my history paper accomplished, and realize that I still have both Monday and Tuesday night to finish my LTP presentation, and college in high school, and that the world is not coming to an end. This is officially the end of the crazy work-crazed posts. I'm going to chill out, accomplish stuff in a calm fashion, and if I still have work to do by the time I have to go to Mexico, I'll just suck it up and do it quickly. The end.
I talked to my dad for a while again last night and it was good. I've still not told him about Governor's School, and think I'm probably not going to do it until I see him, and we can talk it out then. I'd like to have a clear picture of what I'd like to do before presenting it to him. But we'll see.
When I went to my shrink last week (and when I had my Dancing Goats conversation on Friday night) I realized that the fundamental difference between myself and the rest of the world is that while everyone else picks and chooses what they want to say from the thoughts that go through their head, I end up picking and choosing that which I don't want to say. I would venture a guess that I say about 70% of what I think whereas the rest of the world says about 30%. And, consequently, I write it all too. So please feel free, in life, to tell me to shut up or to not read, it's just the way I function. My inhibitions are next to none. Is that a bad thing? Should I be more secretive? Hmmm...
I miss jazz music, the kind that came along with The Melody Lingers On. Maybe it's a thing of association, and whenever I hear it I automatically am reminded of the fucking marvelous times that came with the second semester of freshman year. But I just heard an Old Spice commercial with some vocal jazz in the background and almost cried. It's warm, it's sunny, it smells just like Melody Lingers On and I'm nostalgic like whoa. But in a good way, in a really good way. In an "I'm overwhelmingly glad to have lived it" way.
Ok, I should stop the incoherent rambling that is my life, and do something outdoorsy and/or productive. |
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| Le Printemps |
[mar. 21e, 2004|05:21 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | On écoute |
| | "Why can't you be optimistic, you're no longer the ingenu" | ] |
"Llegó primavera con dulces canciones, se oye tocar la zampoña el pastor, tra la la la la la la la, la, la, la la la la la la la."
I'm hunkered down on the computer chair surrouded by: Marxism in Our Time, From Karl Marx to Mao Zedong, Trotsky's Revolution Bbetrayed, Trotsky's Diary in Exile, Trotsky: the Prophet Armed, Trotsky: the Prophet Unarmed, and Dramatizing Dementia: Madness in the Plays of Tennessee Williams. And three coffee mugs, and my retainer, and my dog.
But fuck me without a hat, ignore the snow, it's spring. |
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| Mmmm, can't wait to go! |
[mar. 12e, 2004|06:07 pm] |
You're a bit of a follower, but you endear yourself
to others by tying everything and everyone
together and making life a bit easier for all
of us. You know how to get the job done, but
you also know how to have fun.
Which New York City subway line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I tend to hate these quizzes, but recently they've made me happy!~ |
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| Post-Script |
[fév. 28e, 2004|05:08 pm] |
Oh, PS-
I move May 15th.
I get to go to New York in two weeks.
My mommy moves to California in September.
The end. |
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| Hm. |
[fév. 28e, 2004|05:08 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | On écoute |
| | I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City-- Sinead O'Connor | ] |
So I was going to post this entry about how spring is knocking at the door, and how the streets smell beautiful and I wore my flip flops, and the whole entire world was outside enjoying the sun. It was going to be long, and poetic, and well-written, and exemplifying my stellar mood. But now that I'm sitting here, I just don't want to write about it. I want to live it. It's so nice. And makes me happy. And optimistic.
Just read Lauren's LJ, and wish to concurr in that last night was about as high-school-ey as they come. But hey, everyone needs a little bit of high school drama (partially caused by yours truly) in their life. (As well as senteces with no first person pronouns, right Meg?)
So, in short- Yay for spring, yay for high school, yay for friends. |
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| In which Eva's indecision returns... |
[fév. 24e, 2004|04:36 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | On écoute |
| | When I see their happy faces, smiling back at me... | ] |
So I came to an epiphany in which I realized I knew exactly what I wanted. And it was good, and I was happy, and proud of myself for making a decision. And now that's all gone away...
Couple of factors-
1) I've had a couple of conversations with my girls... and it's unbelievable how a group of people so similar in so many ways can have such different opinions on the same subject. Isn't that interesting? My ladies are amazing, I love them all. But still, their varying opinions influences me to varying degrees and have once again left me uncertain of what I want and how I think. And that's curious. Because what I loved about my decision was that it was mine, and uninfluenced. Bleh. I don't know what I think about that.
2) There's something about wanting what you can't have that plays into this. The moment what I think I want becomes a reality, I'm unsure as to whether or not it's actually what I want. I want the unavailable, because it's safe. Is it still safe once it's actually an option? What does that say about my powers of decision/indecision? Hmmmm.... I don't know yet again.
3) The situation about which I made a decision has kind of changed too. And I guess it's come to the point that even though I don't know what I want, I do know what I don't want, and maybe that's enough. Is that enough? Should I be asking you? Is this my decision? Bleh. I don't know. I'm done.
Hahahahah yay for lists. And McDonalds' parking lot, because it's amazing. And delocalized bonding because it's calling me like whoa. Ok. I'm going. Yeah. |
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| just a thought |
[fév. 18e, 2004|02:57 pm] |
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I am stricken by how scared I was for 25 minutes of my yesterday. The physical feeling of fear. It's powerful. It's really powerful. |
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| Sun? Yes? Please? Anyone? |
[jan. 23e, 2004|06:48 pm] |
| [ | On est |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | On écoute |
| | Hey... Hey... -- Dispatch | ] |
PMS is the devil. I've been such a bitch this week, I don't even know where to start. I guess by apologizing to everyone who's had to put up with me... SORRY! BLAME IT ON THE HORMONES! And I know that's lame but oh well.
Congrats to Liz on the musical, you really really deserve it babe. Love you. Other than that I don't really have much to say. I'm an unhappy bean this week because of finals, hormones, family, and the shitass weather. Where the fuck is the sun? Oh well. No biggie, next week will be better-- without a doubt. I'm not even all that unhappy. It's just a lot to do, lot to do. Bleh, I'm sick of complaining, it's all I ever do.
Anyone coming to West Side?
Anyone got info on Semester Break?
Anyone want to entertain me this weekend/week?
Required Love Award. Damn, this is a hard one.... to people who work hard for what they want, and they deserve it, and they get it. Props to them. Yeah. |
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